Please remind me......

Both my husband and I were getting more and more forgetful (sign of aging). Keeping track of important upcoming event has became a headache to us. To solve the problem, our children taught the father how to set reminders in his smartphone so that there's no fear of forgetting any important event . Yes, what a good idea, making full use of the greatest invention of this era (at least to old folks)!

The trouble was sometimes we need to be reminded to be alert of the alert tones from the smartphone!

Fully aware of his forgetfulness, my husband would not fail to ask me to remind him each time he set a reminder in his phone. This "double protection"system should be foolproof we thought. Let's see how we've fared in practice....

Some time ago, we received an invitation from a Malay friend to his daughter's wedding. It was held at the bride's place on 25th of the month. I checked the calendar and told my husband that 25th was a Sunday. "No problem, but please remind me...." he said and quickly set a reminder in his handphone.

Just before the Sunday (25th), we realized that we had to go back to hometown for Ching Ming that Sunday( there you see...we forgot ). My husband called and apologised to his friend, explaining to him why we couldn't attend.  But his friend said, " No worries, there's another reception at the bridegroom's place the following weekend, it's 31st. Please make sure you come", he said. 

"Oh.. then we can go next Sunday since we can't make it this Sunday... please remind me..."my husband again said the same thing to me. But he forgot to set a reminder for this date (31st) in his phone this time.

Anyway, from 26th onwards, his faithful wife kept reminding him (everyday) that there's wedding reception coming Sunday. Surprisingly both of us remembered this event fairly well this time. 

On the D-day, we dressed up smartly and headed to the wedding venue. My husband was so proud that even without setting iPhone reminder we remembered the event.  

We handed our present for the newly weds to the receptionist at the counter and started to look around for our good friend. Oh, What a beautiful Sunday to share his joy!

The hall was full of guests. And where's our friend, the bride's father? He was nowhere to be seen..... . So we asked around and didn't expected to learn that the bride's father was another person! They presumed we were at the wrong venue ....

We took out our invitation card to show them; no mistake and we were at the right place!

"Uncle, yes, the venue was right... but this was yesterday!"

It was so embarrassing when they had to dig and search to return us the present! (Good thing we hadn't started eating!).

"I thought I ask you to remind me..." my husband turned and stared at me with his big eyes.

"You ask me to remind you to attend on the next Sunday.... and today is Sunday ...." 

My dear, 25th no doubt was on Sunday, but 31st WAS NOT SUNDAY! It's Saturday!

What a joke! We did try to remind each other.... SUNDAY...SUNDAY...SUNDAY....

I wonder do you old folks also fumble like us this way???

Quarrels in marriage

Quarrels as we know, start with conflicts and disagreements. Very often a small dispute could end up as big quarrel in the end. Yes, to start a quarrel, big or small, is as easy as that! What about the consequences of quarrels? Who would bother when caught up in the heat of the moment! If fortunate there's a possibility to patch things up after quarrel (provided not too serious), but more often than not, due to anger, pride and hurt, many end up as enemies. Whatever it is, life still goes on (not much affected) if parties involved need not have to spend a lifetime together. You may just erase them out of your mind if that makes you feel better. But for quarrels in marriage, it is much much more tricky as after every quarrel, you still have to move on together, under the same roof for the rest of your life.....

No doubt "conflict" starts the quarrel. But most of the time "conflicts of thoughts" is not exactly the main issue though it is a starting point. There are other factors involved without us realising. Very often, these quarrels are very much related to outburst of accumulated feelings of dissatisfaction. Therefore any superficial issue/conflict would be a triggering point too convenient to be deployed. 

As a result you would notice it's NOT arguing rationally on facts, but blaming, accusing...... shouting and scolding each other without meaning. Words used also unknowingly(or intentionally) turn into personal attacks or belittling remarks...... .

There is no real communication at all throughout the quarrel ....... . If there's no communication, can problems be settled? Definitely not!

Instead of talk it out, it's accusation and no compromise. BOTH would be full of grievances and  resentment as though he/she is the sole victim and the only suffering party in the quarrel. Oh dear, have you forgotten the feeling of your loved ones? What would be the outcome of using all those words/remarks on your loved ones? It's hurting, right? Definitely that's not your real intention. But damage is done!

Just figure out yourself, is it possible to settle this type of quarrel once for all? Of course not. We can't expect any positive result out of irrational blaming sessions for sure. So, remember to stop blaming as it would not help. Don't use hurting words which are usually not related to the argument. More importantly I feel, there shouldn't be words of personal attack and belittling remarks (most hurting!)

Also in the argument do not bring out facts of the past to argue over and over again. You would ruin your energy in vain. To solve the "real problem", we have to find out what's the "real problem" is and work on getting a solution for the root cause. 

Remember there is absolutely no winner in quarrels between husbands and wives! IF you can humble yourself to stop the quarrel first, I would consider you to be a winner of love! Why not, give him/her an out (he/she would deeply appreciate and thank you when calm down). There's no point to fight over who is right or wrong and everything would be over if you are willing to take the first humble step.

Or you would notice each quarrel seems to be a repetition of its "predecessor" !

I remembered my grandfather commented that I was quick-tempered. I know without holding my temper, quarrels in marriage would be inevitable. So I always try hard to avoid making those mistakes mentioned above.  Take my word for it, "A check" in time would prevent one from facing the consequences of serious quarrels. 

Forgive and forget. Don't bear grudges. These are important points in marriage. We are not fighting with an enemy, but someone we're deeply in love with and committed to share a lifetime with.  

There is no marriage made in heaven. We have to learn and accept some differences. More importantly, be thankful and contented for what God has given to us.

Avoid using "unpleasant" or personal attack words to hurt each other. "Hurts in the heart" is a variable in an equation which only adds and never subtracts. Don't let it total up to "hatred" or it would be too late to salvage.