Good works and Prayers

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

Almost two years my mother struggled to fight cancer. Though she didn't claim victory in the battle, she fought well and she left us peacefully without pain, despite much predictions by her doctors that she would suffer severe pain and go into coma in the final stage. 

My sister and brother-in-law who took care of my mother during her last days had done a wonderful job not only in caring for her, but bringing to her joy and hope through their church friends.  For that two years of treatment in Singapore, they continued without fail to visit my mother, at the hospital or at home. They spent hours talking to her, while waiting for her chemotherapy sessions or when she was  hospitalized due to complications. It was amazing that there was no barrier in their communication despite the differences in age and religion. 

They talked to her in respect; showed her their concern and most importantly, cheered her up with their positive outlook on life. They did not preach to scare her off;  they just prayed with her for peace of mind, less suffering and above all, for her healing. They eventually became my mother's much mentioned good friends who accompanied her during her difficult times.

I believe it was the power of their prayers that had helped to set my mother free from further sufferings, to leave peacefully without pain and to be with God in Heaven.  

They have done a wonderful job in the name of God and surely they are good witnesses for Christ in their good works. Praise the Lord!

Deep down in my heart I wish to thank them for the love and care they bestowed upon my mother and my sister's family, throughout this whole period of distress. 

"Thank you !" 

Combating stress

"Why is life so stressful?" I used to ask myself when trying to play well both my roles of being a career women and a home-maker during my earlier days. Sometimes the pressure was so great that it's hard even to breathe and I just felt like throwing down everything.

I didn't know my stress was directly related to the many"changes"( new job, new home...) that had taken place in my life. All seemed to be coming together and I really had no idea how to face all these myself!

I was depressed. But Life must move on ..... . I had to look for a way out.

Only later that I learnt to be able to deal with our "stress", we had to begin with the "changes" we encountered.

Life is eventful. There's bound to be changes all the time. Whether we like it or not, it's often interweaven with unavoidable events like death of loved ones, new jobs, moving house, new baby, new maid etc. We can't, and no one can, escape from these "changes" in life! Thus feeling stressful, some time or other in life is something quite natural.

Therefore we should acknowledge that "stress" is part and parcel of life and take "combating stress" as a ongoing life-long process!

To be "stress-free" may not be easy; we must be able to adjust ourselves to ADAPT to CHANGES that crop out every now and then in our lives. And more importantly, be in control of the new situation that we are in. This is the "secret weapon" in combating stress.

Is it that simple ? Can we really adjust ourselves to all the changes, irrespective of how drastic it may be and keep everything within our control? And is it possible at all times?

No, of course not.

What about situations that are beyond our control? How to free oneself then from being feeling "stressed out" in this case? The "best answer" is to let go of what we can't control.

A friend of mine was under great stress because the daughter was fighting hard to move out with the boy-friend whom the parents didn't approved. The mother tried hard to control the situation, but failed. She was hurt and depressed when the situation went out of her control. How did she get herself over this trauma? She told me that she just let go the whole issue since there's nothing she could do further.  After all the daughter was old enough to decide for herself and to face whatever consequences that may follow. By "letting go" the control and got adjusted with the changes, she felt relief.

So when you are seriously stressed out, just remember these two points:  either try to make necessary adjustments to be in control of the situation or just let go the control if it's situation that is totally impossible to control.

This theory works though it may be easier said than done.

Just a little walk

When I was in Singapore recently, I put up a few nights at my sister-in-law's place.

I noticed that every morning my brother-in-law would walk the son to the bus-stand, just like what everyone would do when their kids were small. But in this case, my nephew is a bright young man; he knows the way to the bus-stand. Why bother to do so then?

I would not think of doing this myself as I am one who is too lazy to walk an extra step. It didn't strike me that this ten minutes' walk could actually do wonders to the "father and son relationship". 

We often hear people around us grumbling about their children; they seem to be so busy with their own activities that they could hardly find time to talk to the parents. We often conveniently blame all this to the hectic kind of city lives, not knowing that we can attempt to do something about it.

Why not "just take a little walk with them" sometimes?

LOVE

Soft and tender it may be

A string from Cupid

Binding strong and taut

The two hearts

Together till eternality

Gone, the darkest night

Scars, miraculously fading

And dried, the once teary eyes

Gazing through the magic lens 

Oh! Everything's beautiful

Blogging

Though it has been a year since I started on this blog, I didn't put up many posts. I have to admit that this blog has been neglected as I am writing more in my Chinese blog.

I can remember vividly how my youngest son had helped me to set up this blog last year. When the blog was ready, I promised him that I would write regularly to express my feelings and to share my thoughts with all my children. Not long after that, he set up another Chinese blog for me and "encouraged" me to write at the same time in Chinese!

That was a joke to me as I hadn't learnt Chinese "Pin Yin"before. It was impossible for me to input any Chinese character into the computer. He then came out with a bright idea that I dictated to him my ideas and he would help to input into the computer. The suggestion sounded feasible and we did give it a try . But we quitted soon because it's not easy in practice. He was only twelve and unable to follow all my thoughts. It turned out to be word by word input. Not only slow, but difficult for both of us to coordinate smoothly.

I decided to abandon the whole thing, but this persistent son of mine wouldn't let me off the hook. Instead he gave me a big Chinese dictionary and forced me to learn up Chinese "Pin Yin". I couldn't say "no" to him as I had always stressed to my children that "Nothing is impossible". Moreover, I remembered reading somewhere on the importance of a mother being a "role model" to her children. So I took up the challenge and started writing in Chinese with the help of that thick dictionary. Surprisingly, I picked up faster than expected and ended up writing more in my Chinese blog last year.

I am always thankful to my dear son for bringing me into the blogging world which makes my life more fulfilled. If not for his persistence, I would not have done it today!

Whenever anybody asks me how I have become a blogger, I would tell them that my twelve-year old son has "forced" me into it.

I wonder anybody believe me???

Facing mortality

Fear is the only word to describe one's feeling when suddenly one is forced to face mortality, be it his own or that of his loved ones'.

Death, very often, is something we are fearful to think about and reluctant to talk much of. Sometimes we even shy away from any topic relating to it, as though by doing so, death would not have any chance to draw itself closer. However, deep down in our hearts, we know very well that all of us inevitably would have to face this eventuality one day though we try to put it off our mind as long as we could.  

As a result, we are unprepared emotionally or spiritually and we are caught in great stress and deep grief when "that day" unfortunately or unexpectedly comes.

I remember once my third brother shared with me his view on facing mortality.  He said, "To be prepared emotionally and spiritually is important as we age, knowing that death is unavoidable." Preparation? Oh no, I was fearful to think about "death". I shut my mind off any topic relating to it .

But my brother was right, facing mortality is something unavoidable in life.

My seventy six year-old mum had fought hard and undergone some thirty sessions of chemotherapy over last eighteen months. However her scan results  today showed the tumors in her liver had increased in size and a new tumor was detected at her bladder too. It's the most dreadful moment. A blow to us and to our most spirited mum who has endured long periods of suffering trying to triumph over her illness. 

A topic of fear, a topic of loss of loved ones, "death" is in fact more of a topic of pain to me this moment. As I read emails from my brother and sister discussing about palliative care for my mum, I could not hold back my tears. Facing mortality, whether we like it or not, it is part and parcel of life. I realize as we have embraced life with joy and happiness, we also have to prepare ourselves with strength to accept the reality of mortality. 

Don't be taken aback by the word "death" and "mortality". Fear not, by being prepared emotionally and spiritually, we would be able to face mortality more "gracefully" in that we may not be panic such that our emotions run out of control. More importantly, it's only when we are able to face it bravely that we can help our loved ones to spend their last days more happily and meaningfully.

worried

All the members of my parental family are typically the worrying-type of people among whom my dear mother leads the pack. She has been worrying for the past three quarters of a century so much so that she considers it to be some kind of "in born" character or an unchangeable "attribute" in her. We, all the siblings "unfortunately" take after her in this aspect.

On the contrary, my late father was much more a jovial person. No matter how big the problem was, he could still go into deep sleep within minutes. "Why worry now? Just have a good sleep. Think about it tomorrow. " He used to tell my mother this way. However, my mother would be tossing and turning in bed, the whole night through.

I always wish I could be like my father who had an "on/off" switch to his worries.

For mum, "worrying" has more or less become her "full-time job". Taking everyone's problem as her problem, she worries for all her children and their families. Many a time, she says it's impossible for her to stop worrying. We are not that "bad", but not too far off either.

What actually are we worrying about ? A good question! And the answer is simple : there is no limit to our worries: that of ourselves, our family, our siblings, our children, our jobs......... . Anything in the future, anything in the past, anything under the sun ......

How silly, you may say. But is there a way to get all these worries out of our mind?

The problem is we are so used to live with worries as such we are compelled to believe that nothing could or should be done to this" instinct" of ours. We even mistakenly equate people who "don't worry much" with people who "don't think much". So it seems natural for "thinkers" to worry more than those "simple-minded" people. No attempt is thus considered necessary for reducing worries since it looks like "to worry" is more a "privilege" than "setback" for the self-proclaimed "thinkers". Nevertheless, to live on this way would take a heavy toll on one's happiness which I have eventually realized.

"Stop worrying! Be happy! " Everybody knows how to say this. It sounds simple; but our experiences tell us that by just asking ourselves to stop worrying would not work at all. So don't waste time forcing yourself to do so or you would feel even more anxious!

In a particular case, we should examine and ask ourselves if we can do anything to help the situation that we are worrying about? If we can't, tell ourselves what we can do at most, right now, is to hope for the best and it's of no use worrying. Yes, I am not joking. Hope for the best instead.

If the worry involves anything in the past, tell ourselves it's no point crying over spilled milk. We should just forget about it. Yes, the action is stop dwelling in the past.

The psychology here is after we "have done something to it", we have got ourselves an "answer "to it. So it's considered "settled" within our limit. Though the outcome may be beyond our control, it helps to get the worry out of our mind. Yes, just as simple as that.

Don't yell at me at this point and say "Nonsense!". Anyway, I am not worried. I hope for the best!

It seems according to findings of psychologists : 40% of our worries actually never happen; 30% are of what had happened in the past; 12% are unfounded worries on our health; 10% are on trivial issues and merely 8% of our worries are"really" worries. That means we spend 90% of our times worrying unnecessarily!

We can and should get ourselves out of this 90% of our worries in order to be happy.

The choice is yours and I am going to be the first in my family to free myself from being one of the worrying-type of people!

Fighting with "loud music"

My husband is a Lp turntables enthusiast. After retirement, he spends most of his time hiding in his work place tweaking his beloved turntables. Very often, he "makes appearance"only during meal times. And this is also no more a voluntary action; the hunger sensors in his stomach automatically shut down when his brain is at work.

He enjoys not just spinning vinyls on the turntables, but the whole process of tweaking to improve the performance of each of his turntables irrespective of the tediousness or troubles involved. To continue his "nonsense" in peace without my interference, he has also made a statement: "every man should have some time to himself and for his own hobby. "

So I just leave him alone to do what he likes.  Fair enough, I also pursue in my own hobby and he is not intervening either.

In theory there should be no complaints. The only problem is I am forced to listen to his "music "(loud, interrupted while tweaking) all day long. This is no joke as we don't have a sound-proof room solely for this purpose.

Can you imagine how is it like when each time I try to enjoy a TV drama? 

"Could you please tone down your music............". Very reasonable request, right?

"Sorry....sorry......" the music went softer. But after a while as he made some new adjustments, he forgot and increased the volume again.

"Please tone down your music............". Again I would be reminding him.

"Sorry....sorry......".  I could not blame him as when he was really engrossed in his work, every other thing would be completely out of his mind (including people around him).

So this "story" of ours went on and on with no end ............

What about increasing the volume of the TV? Simple physics, more sound interference produced! I gave up soon; I just "mute" the TV and follow the drama by reading the subtitles. Not the best solution, but at least could avoid unnecessary conflicts between us. 

This went on for quite some time until..............

One day, my second daughter returned home. She saw me sitting on the couch watching TV. But she could only hear her dad's loud concerto music from the Lp player.

" Oh, my God, I don't believe this ......." she jumped at the father, " Dad, your music is too loud. Do you know your music is so loud that mum has to mute her TV? This is unfair! "

"What?? Sorry, sorry...., I really didn't know about it. " He really felt sorry this time.

After this incidence, he is much more careful now so as not to disturb me while experimenting on his turntables.

So, it's not always true that we have to fight hard to get our way through.

Skydiving

I can never imagine how I would react if my son were to tell me face to face that he was going skydiving.

Indeed it was great shock to me when by chance I learned that he had actually done it already.

How did I know he did it? Oh, I was browsing online to find out more on the multi-national company which he would be joining after graduation and a page on "International clerkship report" caught my eyes. I was excited to find his report. I clicked on his name and began to read curiously his well-written, long report on his wonderful experience in Sydney. 

As I read on... until the part he wrote, "I took on the extra challenge of enrolling for their skydiving course so that I could do a solo jump over the weekend.",  I was stunned and my heart almost stopped.

Thank God it's over and he is back safely.

As a mother who worries for her children's safety all the time, I wonder what my answer would be if he were to seek my opinion prior to enrolling for the jump?????

May be he knew the answer and that's why he didn't ask. Smart Boy!

Believe it or not

Lynn sent me an email mentioning that she dreamt of the late grandfather who was also my late father.

She dreamt that we were on a cruise and our room numbers were 33 and 36.

"Somehow Gonggong (grandpa) like the number 33 very much." she said. "May be it was because of the upcoming Qingming festival that I dreamt of him."

I told my mum about her granddaughter's dream. "Wow, he (my late father) must have gone to Australia! Quick, go and buy lottery; 0033 must be our lucky number today!"

Believe it or not, both 0033 and 0036 were winning numbers in the same draw in 4-D while 33 and 033 also turned out to be so in Sports Toto, all on the very same day!

Learn to say, "Yes, you are right"

Lately seem to hear quite often a lot of complaints from some old friends about their spouses. One particular case was quite serious. The old couple(retirees) had been on cold war for quite some time. Not money issue and no third party involved, the wife said she just could not bear anymore her husband's indifferent attitude, e.g. not putting things back in proper place after using or simply throwing plastic shopping bags around. What agitated her most was he would not admit his mistakes. All these led to frequent arguments.

"Why should I be the one to tidy up his mess all the time? It's enough and I want a divorce!" she said.

Divorce? After tolerated his behaviour for almost half a century and now you are losing your patience? You have forgotten how you both had struggled together in your earlier days to build up a beautiful home? Life was definitely much tougher then, but you were contented and didn't make any complain. Now that the children have grown up and your responsibilities are relatively lighter, you should just sit back and relax without much worries. It's ironic that at this juncture, you begin to sweat over tiny issues and yell at each other for every little mistake made. Isn't it time to treasure each other's company? Don't you realise that life is short and it's silly to waste time arguing over trivial things?

We must admit that as we grow old, we are more grumpy and stubborn. And because of our stubbornness, we often insist that we are right and "force" the other party to accept, not knowing that sometimes we could be wrong too! If both parties keep on insisting that they are right and nobody is willing to give the other party an out, we would expect endless fight on similar issues every now and then.

So be humble and never, never assume that we are right in all cases. Believe me, trying hard to prove the other party is wrong serves no purpose at all at this age. Why stress out ourselves unnecessarily each day fighting battles after battles?

It's time we learn to compromise and say, "Yes, you are right." ! This could save your day.

Lesson on "moment"

Once, our physics lecturer told us that very few students chose physics as their option because of the misconception that "physics" was nothing but some dry and boring stuff, not knowing that physics was actually very interesting.

"Concept of physics is applied everywhere; even in the aesthetic field." he said.

It happened we were on the topic of "moment" that day. After explaining to us the principle of moment, he tried to give an illustration on "moment" in flower arrangement.

"The length of the stalk, the sizes and quantities of the flowers chosen, even the angle of inclination in arrangement are in accordance with principle of moment. Just check the clockwise and anticlockwise moment of any flower arrangement, you can see there's balance and stability from the point of principle of moment. 

"In equilibrium, not lopsided, thus perfect aesthetically. Any question? " He asked.

A student stood up with a clever question:

"Considering a lady who has a big mole above her left lip, should we add another big mole above her right lip so as to satisfy this principle of moment? In equilibrium, not lopsided, thus perfect aesthetically as you have just said? "

"..........................."